Understanding the nature of
depression as opposed to depressive illness is vital when it comes to being
supportive of a friend with depression.
For example, a university
friend, Marilee, was normally busy, active and happy. Over a period of several
weeks, she gradually became quiet, contemplative and increasingly reluctant to
participate in class projects or extra-curricular activities. She seemed to
wear an aura of sadness, was tearful at times, but seemed well, otherwise. Her
friend, Margaret became increasingly concerned about her, realizing that there
was a problem. This was not normal behavior for Marilee, who did not want to
talk about whatever was happening in her life.
Was Marilee depressed or did
she have a depressive illness?
Knowing Marilee well, Margaret
decided that being her friend would be the best way to help her. She was
determined to be there for her and hoped Marilee’s depression would pass in the
near future.
The Public Health Agency of
Canada suggests that depression and
depressive illness differ,
stating that
“Problems and misfortunes are a
part of life. Everyone experiences unhappiness, and many people may become
depressed temporarily…”
Note the use of the word, temporarily.
Perhaps that is the key to understanding how to support a friend with
depression. You, like Margaret, can be there, at least for a while, for a friend
who seems to be depressed.
While it may be time consuming for you to be a
friend, it is effective in terms of supporting a friend with depression.
Note some of the other key
aspects to supporting a depressed friend.
Margaret began to search for
answers, because she suspected something has happened to Marilee recently. She
was right, but she did not learn the truth until much later.
Life events often trigger
depression.
Margaret suspected that
Marilee’s depression was the direct result of some event in her life that she
could not or would not talk about, at this time. She decided to be gentle and
kind with her, leaving the door open for Marilee to discuss what had happened. She
knew that Marilee would do the same for her. Her listening skills were
relatively good and there was no rush.
“Experiences in
failure commonly result in
temporary feelings of worthlessness and self-blame, while losses cause feelings of sadness,
disappointment and emptiness.”
While failure brings about
negative or adverse feelings, as it is not easy to deal with, but these
emotions are temporary, too.
Over the next few weeks, Margaret
made a point of inviting Marilee to share her thoughts, over lunch. She decided
not to pry into Marilee’s personal affairs. Instead, she chose to do random
acts of kindness for her. This seemed to work, as it gradually brought Margaret
out of her state of depression.
“Such feelings are normal, and they usually pass
after a short time. This is not the case with depressive illness.”
Note that Margaret did not make
any inference to Marilee or others, about the possibility of her having a
long-term, mood disorder or depressive illness. In fact, she avoided doing
that, hoping that it would only be a matter of time before Marilee became her
normal self again.
Time is a great healer of
wounds and this seemed to work. Marilee gradually returned to being her busy,
active and happy self.
Years later, Marilee thanked
her for being her friend during that difficult time and explained what had
happened to her.
“That was when I learned about
my birth mother for the first time, but I could not bring myself to share it
with you then.”
Learning the truth had given
her a sense of loss with respect to her birth mother, but also triggered
feelings that she needed to deal with in respect to her adoptive mother. Having
sorted out her mixed feelings, she was able to share them with Margaret, but
only much later. After giving birth to her own daughter, Marilee knew that
every birth mother loves her baby and that it is possible to have an adoptive
mother who loves you too.
Note that this was a temporary
depression, not a depressive illness which would have required professional medical treatment. Margaret proved to be a supportive
friend to Marilee during her difficult time.
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